in an unreal numb world,
it happened,
slow unfolding waltz,
beautiful and perfect.

vincent's sunflowers,
unwilting and bright,
lyrical and fragrant,
jesu of Bach.

somewhere a blindworm,
in labrynthine slime,
slithering in melancholy,
in the nether world.

a Faust in quest,
a fiend in cocoon,
immaculate savage,
a venom in bloom.

cataclysm awaits,
as light invades,
expurgating liberating,
sunflowers of the soul.

they're me, the demons, the demons of my mind, with thousand faces and a single mask, lurking to lead me with love, with love and hope and faith and truth, secretly laugh, and then reassure, and then seduce and devour, me myself my demons, see how they sing, sing and dance, garlanded beasts, yet so gentle, perfume my body and convey me, through grime and blood, through spite and cheer, merry go round and round, my teeth in my heart, a salty taste, a potent thirst, a frozen pain, a distant drum, an alien rythm, compulsive stride of mechanized limbs, all coalesce to bloom and burst, ackwardly in a supernal smile, I gasp and gasp, they fly like swans, diffuse into fading pale stars, I limp and run, with flaming eyes, to search in vain, for demons my demons.

Bright light, the daze,
the craze, free fall,
the rush to embrace,
BANG .... and peace.

No pain, no touch,
inanimate matter,
all love and hate,
splattered across,
bits in mud,
splashes on the wall.

Like a thirst it came,
spiralled like lust,
mesmerised he walked,
to her outstreched arms,
all solved, all dust,
empty nothingness.

His echoes remain,
for some more time,
submerging in chaos,
sublimating in minds,
dripping away,
in invisible streams.

He fades like smoke,
a gust and gone,
silence prevails,
no angels in tow,
a faint ripple,
he comes to mind...

faith is an idea,
a butterfly, a rainbow,
seen only by my eyes;
my illusion, my truth.
candles in my heart,
I don't want light,
my vision's nebulous,
my breath dark.

my shreds of light,
my bits of solace,
my placebo, my hope,
my whiff of life,
my essence,
my quintessence.

fragile - contingent,
waiting for a gust,
an icicle, a dewdrop,
stop, don't whisper,
I'll die.

preserve my delirium,
the flame will succumb,
sedate me to a dream,
don't break the iridescent bubble,
till the next twilight..

TRUTH

I ran with the begging bowl,
at the feet of light,
he had what i sought,
had faith in my heart;

with contentment I received,
held tight to it,
then it began to rot,
faith clutched at the carrion;

orphaned and footloose,
mad free radical,
I gnawed and tasted and spat,
believers watched;

senses my senses,
my only possession,
soaked the world,
in synaptic equations;

hallucinated and betrayed,
cremated the senses,
cocooned and waited,
for enlightenment;

randomness kept breeding,
I waited for enlightenment,
metamorphosis/Armageddon ?
under a bodhi tree...

उड़ान

थोड़ा और आगे ,
दर्द की परिसीमा के ,
दांत भींच कर घिसट जा ,
अस्ताचल के परे ।

चमकीली आखों के ,
मदमाते स्पर्श के ,
विरह की आहों के ,
सपनों की झालर के ,
रुंधी साँसों के ,
अबूझ इच्छाओं के ,
अनकही बातों के ,
सूनी रातों के ,
अनजान आंसुओं के ,
कचोटती चुप्पी के ,
अधूरे शब्दों के ,
कुचली संवेदनाओं के ,

एक और पड़ाव परे ,

घिसट चल ,
रास्ता तेरा है ,
शास्वत सत्य की तरह ,
अनंत और अमर ,
चल जहाँ कोई चाह नहीं ,
कोई समर नहीं ,
नहीं कोई जिजीविषा ,
नहीं कोई नाम ,
नहीं कोई अस्तित्व ,

एक पग और डाल ,

पार कर समस्त त्रुटियाँ ,
सारे लोभ और भेद ,
तज दे सारे आवरण ,
उड़ जा ,
विमुक्त संचार कर ,
विलुप्त हो जा ,
घुल जा हवाओं में ,
किरणों में बिखर जा ,
भूल जा स्वयं को ,
और मोक्ष पा जा ..

कभी सांझ के पर्दे पर,
टांग दिया मैने एक मन,
उस में तुम हो, मैं हूं,
हैं और बहुत से रंग,

उडते सुग्गों की हरियाली,
तुम्हारे होने का एह्सास,
दिल में एक हवा का झोंका,
एक अन्छुए स्पर्श की प्यास,

उगते तारों की उबासी,
तुम्हारे आंचल पर वो फूल,
भीनी सी खुश्बू हवा में,
सपनीले सुरों की दस्तक,

अतीत के बक्से से निकली,
धूल सी खाती हुई,
यादों में खोई तुम्हारी,
मन के पर्दे पर वो शाम.

Deliverance

One fine day,
I decide to run,
from self, desires, bonds,
en-route I meet Buddha,
Freud laughs at me,
I stop and look,
at the web.

I have spawned,
at every node,
watching me with intent eyes,
i shoot at all those
bubbly heads,
they bubble and froth
in people's eyes.

I tug at the ropes,
they start to spin,
39 gods and
a thousand sins,
Demons of scriptures
in a merry go round,
dripping saliva
from comical mouths.

I dive deep,
and deep within,
the sounds follow,
like bees to sting..
then sets the freeze,
and all disappear,
no echoes,
no waits nor wants.

I breathe now,
and see the horizon,
and merrily dance
amongst known unknowns..
I'm reborn, shorn of me;
I embrace the world,
and let it go..

I renew my bond,
with the abyss,
'twas always there,
never oblivious,
me or not me,
you or not you,
it runs unknown,
like wind through breath,
me an automaton,
running away,
from voids to voids.

anaesthetic sublime,
and transcendent,
it seeks me,
and I let it come,
slowly submerging,
my eyes my mind,
my dreams my love,
silences reverberate,
in a beatific smile.

the silk prints,
the butterfly wings,
the recesses of my brain,
your touch and gaze,
my joy and elan,
tumults and travail,
echo through,
a distant membrane.

unknowingly I waited,
for this deliverance,
more profound than death,
more subtle than soul,
an imploding melt,
my world and me,
spiral and float,
permeating with the yearn,
to be nothing again.

shorn of me,
I freely breathe,
and cut the strings,
of the parachute,
abeyance envelopes,
particles of me,
a nebulous cloud,
beyond the arrow of time.

who are you,
and who am I,
sticky chunks,
coalescing ,
meaning, purpose,
desire and dreams,
conspiring glue,
to keep afloat.

evaporate...self,
go beyond the design,
dissolve dissolve,
in transparent mist,
nothing yonder,
and nothing behind,
on a journey,
to amaranthine now...

back of the tongue

I clench my teeth,
not let it go,
it's mine, and pure,
smothering, comforting;
warm glow, - in my sinking self;
comes in flashes, endless reruns,
slime on my skin,
taste in my throat,
my world evolves,
in layers of sediment;
an eternal now,
within my eyelids,
volcanoes bloom,
in slow succession,
freeze and flow,
and flicker and dance;
one with matter,
my essence waits,
for not a ripple,
in silent haze;
shame/remorse/hate and fear,
swirl in blobs,
kaleidoscopically play,
I wait to crumble,
and liberate;
dust to dust,
desires to ashes,
the cage opens,
to let in the world;
the mist, the fog,
the chill is me,
crawling numbly,
to eternity.

Flavour of pain

Insipid, inanimate,
it seeps through,
filling my world,
a silent nausea,
a desire of death,
empty nothingness,
echoes through my hollow head.

It does not rush,
languidly swirls,
through my vision my breath,
a known silence,
an eternal truth,
so willingly I surrender.

It comforts and caresses,
my blunt senses,
taking away desire,
destroying hope,
it flows and ebbs,
it waits and calls.

Thanatos, Thanatos,
I wearily invoke,
my voice frays,
and goes to dust,
I crawl in me,
cocoon and wait.

I's a trance, it's a trance;
something laughs,
the twilight dims,
in a surreal world,
I pinch myself,
and pinch again.

I don't want to go,
I'm still, - apoplexed,
no voices I hear,
from the dream world,
speck by speck I breathe and savour,
the flavour of pain....

chatter

1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: competition is the feeling good about ourselves by putting someone else down, that is always a choice

(05:29:38 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: we compare when we think we are lacking

(05:29:41 PM) th3v0ic3 : feelings are byproducts

(05:30:26 PM) th3v0ic3 : and tertiary

(05:30:30 PM) th3v0ic3 : to reality

(05:30:36 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: i disagree, i strongly feel that nothing which is inherent to a human being , can be negative

(05:31:05 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: it is when we make a choice to deviate from inhenrent that all complications arise

(05:31:44 PM) th3v0ic3 : humans are inherently the way they are, -ve +ve is an opinion

(05:32:21 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: well since words are such poor communicators try to go beyond my shabdh

(05:32:26 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: and understand the arth

(05:32:42 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: not negative or positive , in the way they imply

(05:32:59 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: but my meaning was to say that everything which is inherent is harmonious

(05:33:16 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: anything that causes disharmony cant be inherent

(05:34:17 PM) th3v0ic3 : have a non partisan neutral plain untainted perspective

(05:34:32 PM) th3v0ic3 : things will lose petty significances

(05:34:57 PM) th3v0ic3 : harmony etc are chance events,

(05:35:11 PM) th3v0ic3 : nothing is positive or negative

(05:35:22 PM) th3v0ic3 : the world is a random place

(05:35:53 PM) th3v0ic3 : all structures of mind and all fundamental truths are provisional

(05:36:15 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: hmm

(05:36:30 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: let me think more on the above statement

(05:37:59 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: :) heavy talk today

(05:38:40 PM) th3v0ic3 : no its quite plain

(05:39:32 PM) th3v0ic3 : we are accidents, deluding ourselves with meaning

(05:40:42 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: gosh

(05:40:43 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: and i have alwazys believed that whatever exists is always because there is meaning to it

(05:42:08 PM) th3v0ic3 : meaning is a derivative of the mind, or its grappling with the physical reality

(05:42:21 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: which also is

(05:42:48 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: i mean " is"

(05:42:53 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: it is

(05:43:09 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: it exist

(05:43:09 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: exists

(05:43:34 PM) th3v0ic3 : what exists?

(05:44:04 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: physical reality

(05:44:07 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: it is an entity

(05:44:20 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: can we ignore it along with its manifestations

(05:45:12 PM) th3v0ic3 : no, why. it is a chaos, we find patterns in it and derive happiness.....so sad......blind

(05:46:26 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: hmm

(05:47:36 PM) th3v0ic3 : the world is a layer of explorations.....of the mind...reality is inaccessible in its entirety

(05:48:43 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: that i agree with

(05:49:05 PM) th3v0ic3 : like spheres of consciousness

(05:50:08 PM) th3v0ic3 : you there?

(05:50:36 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: yes

(05:50:36 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: am here

(05:50:47 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: go on

(05:52:14 PM) th3v0ic3 : so all systems of meaning are contingent, language is like a barcode, there are no real meanings...only resemblances... reflections in an imperfect mirror....

(05:52:50 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: :)P

(05:54:15 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: smiling

(05:54:19 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: because

(05:54:22 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: thinking

(05:54:36 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: as to u would make for a good abstract painter

(05:55:12 PM) th3v0ic3 : see another mirror

(05:55:36 PM) th3v0ic3 : see, another mirror...painting

(05:56:19 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: hmm

(05:57:23 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: so how come u got to sleep today?

(05:57:36 PM) th3v0ic3 : philosophy, science, spirituality, ....all mirrors

(05:58:07 PM) th3v0ic3 : not much wrk pressure

(05:58:11 PM) th3v0ic3 : today

(05:58:46 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: ok

(05:59:01 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: u were bit tensed yesterday?

(05:59:08 PM) th3v0ic3 : bored you today

(05:59:16 PM) th3v0ic3 : nope why?

(05:59:32 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: just, my impression :)

(05:59:38 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: my mirror

(05:59:41 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: i guess

(05:59:53 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: no not bored

(05:59:53 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: but sometimes wonder

(05:59:55 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: that when you think so deep

(06:00:08 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: how do u function with the real world

(06:00:10 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: i mean

(06:01:30 PM) th3v0ic3 : if you see transparently, there is no separation betn any worlds,

(06:01:50 PM) th3v0ic3 : it is just our layer of abstraction/interaction

(06:02:52 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: true

(06:02:52 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: but

(06:03:32 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: see when u think in so many layers then doesnt the superficiality of it sometimes get to you?

(06:11:51 PM) th3v0ic3 : sorry had visitors

(06:12:21 PM) th3v0ic3 : no, nothing is superficial or deep, it is just a function of where we are

(06:14:56 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: oh

(06:14:59 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: ok

(06:17:08 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: just checking out some work details

(06:19:07 PM) th3v0ic3 : k

(06:21:25 PM) th3v0ic3 : c ya l8r bye

(06:22:25 PM) 1i5t3n3r@gmail.com: bye

holy war

Ah! one life,

So many desires

each desire, a world.

Bemused with realities,

my mind floats

Shoulds & woulds and

a thousand buts

line the map with beacons

Ghosts of desires

lurk and shadow

chisel my thoughts

to a perfect fit

My essence revolts

is stabbed by reason

I weave truths

they rot ;

Meteors run

on predicted paths

mingle with my breath

dreams take flight

with avowed vengeance

the soul begs

for deliverance

the world we Make

Of our own will

defiantly takes

a life of own

battered battered

desires galore

wounded soldiers

Come back to Camp

haunts unknown

colour my vision

I see realities

in shreds of rainbows

I breathe the dust

swallow the ash

as I crawl ahead

into twilight of desires

Everette's worlds

Somewhere very near, In a parallel world,
Happily ever after.
Unknown to you, the face of dice,
Broke into cubistic laughter.
Worlds spawn, in every blink,
An unbridled bloom.
All dreams and desires, Stars and wind
Secretly live in unknown worlds
Past is Killed, like Schroedinger's Cat
Future explodes in a million rainbows
A thousand 'me's, and million 'you's
Zillion lives in a trillion hues
I Stare in the dark, endlessly search
Only one of the worlds you see!
Exploding rainbows, dead Cats
Hundred 'me's and 73 'you's
Honeycomb mirrors, reverberating reality
All dead flowers are blooming too
Infinite twins, blindfolded runs,
Each alone in a fractal destiny...

Meaning of mEaNInG

'Meaning', what do i mean by it, I grapple with the unfamiliarity, hack it into chewable morsels, smoothen out its creases, trim it to fit my 'box', bind it to a train of thoughts, anticipate its flow, predict its moods, stamp it in my memory, stack it in a taxonomy, imagine its a kin, diffract its differences into known colours, barcode it, and finally it also becomes a template for further understanding.
All meaning is a map, and symbols are mine, I paint my world, in my own hues; if you share the same dictionary, we see similar things. What is a program for Linux is garbage to Windows; and vice-versa. Any 'language', the stimulus must be creating similar structures across brains, perception at molecular level must be fundamentally similar, being of different tongues, we cannot understand each other. Structures/patterns lie out there, the mind is attuned to 'reflect' and preserve them, linking them, assimilating them into an internal mirror world. The mind as it 'means'(the process of meaning), or goes along meaning, gets altered by its own building blocks - the concepts; i.e. stored meanings constitute the mind in an evolutionary paradigm.
All meaning is a contingency, or all meanings are contingent, they fulfill a need, the need for a map, for a flashlight, for a lodestone. Its utility is in correspondence with reality; this correspondence is a very tricky phenomenon, if reality does not fit my mold, I'll distort it, as my mind hardens into permanent synapses, I replace them for external world. Anyway my contact with the world is through chemical structures in my brain, and an agency of the mind itself keeps doing the reality check; this is the immune system of logic, if this breaks down, a floodgate of distortions right from delusions, to religious fundamentalism, to obsessions ensues. Meaning in this sense is closely associated with the truth value of any proposition.
Language is actually inessential but indispensable, for want of a better means, literally! it is essentially like a compression format, say mp3 or oggvorbis, the 'same' song can be preserved in different formats; play it and it's the same. Thus chemically meanings may reside as similar structures in the brain, mediated by language; ironically language also affects/distorts meaning formation as it is an incomplete measure, it 'mass-produces' and disindividuates individual encryptions, i.e. what we ultimately mean is also affected by the language we speak or think in, apart from the inherent characteristics of the 'thing itself'. Thus the mind has an organizing tendency which makes 'sense' of infinite material around it, after affecting even the choice of what is to be considered significant for the process of meaning to begin.
So then meaning is outside us or inside us, or nowhere, or just in the relationship of inside-outside? It seems that the mind imparts structure to the flow of data, seen Rorschach inkblot tests in psychology, or ever 'made' shapes in clouds? you see what your mind designs; so meaning is only inside us? in the chemical meta-processes which evolve on random-deterministic paths, or is it essentially just in the relation of brain/mind to the world that all the meaning arises and is dead and sterile without this context/background? a computer program is irrelevant outside a computer, a work of art dead without a perceiver, so is this context the only medium and justification, the only rationale of existence of meaning? or is it that a lot and lot lies outside our field of experience or existence like light in the non visible spectrum or sound beyond audible ranges, its only our mind that reflects the world in its distorted mirror and construes it as reality? What a lump of sugar is to me is not the same to a housefly, nor to the bacteria; so I mean to mean what I mean, but what does it mean?
Used T9 on mobile phone keypads? it predicts words as you type, based on a dictionary in the background, this technology exhibits that predictive meta structures can be built-in inside the system and they can be made to learn with interaction, even in inanimate environments. The human mind is an exhibit of the fundamental property of all living matter: of organizing into self evolving agglutinations, self preserving, replicating, and taking a quantum jump of levels of organization at certain thresholds; thus molecules formed carbon compounds, then amino acids, then proteins, then nucleic acids/organelles to cells, to multicellular organisms to reproduction to speciation to trophic levels to community living to colonies to societies to language-culture-technology-philosophy...
The mind does the same, organizes the internal world based on the meta principles inherent in it; catches patterns of energy or mass, filters them, correlates them, passes them through the quality control of logic, extrapolates and interpolates, familiarizes them, transfixes an echo-ic memory of the transient into a snapshot, weights them tests them, names them, plants them, uses/reuses and moulds them in a complex dynamic interplay of competing internal and external worlds.